


Nothing Stays the Same

by chibijazride



Series: Never-Not-Nothing Love [3]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, F/M, M/M, Spamano; past and one-sided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 09:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12792054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chibijazride/pseuds/chibijazride
Summary: Love was such a weird thing. One second he was completely in love, and the next everything felt wrong. He thought he knew what his heart wanted. He thought he knew how things were going to turn out. He really had fallen hard for Lovino. He knew he'd always feel guilt for what happened.





	Nothing Stays the Same

**Author's Note:**

> I was asked a few years ago to write from Antonio's POV and here it is. This is the third and final part of what I've come to call the "Not-Never-Nothing Love" series. I hope this is up to the standards of the last two! I feel like my writing style has changed since I first wrote and published the first one back in 2012 (on FF.net)! Anyways, thank you for reading and if any of you have been following since then then thank you for sticking around for this. (^^)

_For a moment_

He didn't think it would be this nerve-wracking. He had asked people out before, this should have been a piece of cake. Then again, they hadn't been someone he was so sure about. They hadn't been someone who he knew so well, nor were they someone who he was afraid of losing his connection to.

Antonio gulped, glancing up and down the hallway. If he really wanted to, he could bail and just not say anything. Maybe laugh it off and say it wasn't important or that he had forgotten that he had the other to meet up with him as soon as the last class of the day let out. Really, he didn't have to go through with it if he didn't want to… and he seriously felt like this was going to majorly ruin his friendship.

How could it not? They had been best friends since about third grade. Which meant they had been friends for six whole years. If that wasn't a lot, then he didn't know what "a lot" was.

He was going to confess to his best friend. He was going to confess to  _Lovino_  of all people. And knowing Lovino, he could be shot down so, so,  _so_  easily. Maybe a bit too easily. If this went wrong, their friendship would be different… it might not even exist after this. The mere thought scared him. He had to do this though. He had to tell Lovino once and for all that he-

"Okay, what was so important that you had to wait for my club to finish up instead of telling me later?"

Antonio turned towards the voice, heart stopping momentarily as he caught sight of Lovino's slightly annoyed face. This was it. He couldn't go back now. He attempted to smile in a normal way that wouldn't get Lovino too suspicious. "I, uh, I had something I wanted to tell you."

"I know that," he rolled his eyes, huffing out, "I want to know what it is."

He could see Lovino want to laugh a little, it was showing in his eyes. It made him want to hug Lovino close to him and squeeze him. Instead, he sighed out, letting himself smile at Lovino. "Right. A question."

"A question?"

"I have to ask you something."

"Okay," Lovino looked at him like he was confused. "And that is?"

Antonio froze. Right, he had to actually tell Lovino. Not just keep talking about saying it. That wasn't working.

"I-Lovino, I-," he swallowed. Lovino definitely looked even more confused now, frowning at Antonio. "I—Is there anyone you like?"

…that was  _not_   _the question he was supposed to ask_.

"What?" Lovino's face looked just as warm as his own felt. Antonio looked down at his feet.

"…is there?"

"…why do you want to know?" Lovino sounded hesitant, but it was too embarrassing to look up and meet his eyes now.

He managed to bring his eyes back up, but they were focused on Lovino's hand gripping his backpack strap tightly. "We're friends, aren't we."

It took longer than a minute, but Lovino ended up sighing out before answering. "…no," came his quiet response.

"Oh."

"Antonio, was that seriously the on-"

"Because I think I like you." It got so quiet, he swore he could hear his own heartbeat trying to clog up his throat. It took all his courage and then some to finally meet Lovino's eyes. The sight froze him to his spot. Lovino was still blushing brightly, eyes wide and mouth open in shock. "I-I mean, I  _do_  like you. I tell you, I wouldn't tell you if I wasn't sure I lick —I mean like!— you! Uh…"

"You're and idiot, you know that?" was the first thing Lovino said, looking to the side instead of at Antonio. Antonio was so shell shocked, he didn't know what to do. "Couldn't you just ask someone out in a more normal fashion?"

"Wait-"

"You're paying for the first date." Hearing that, Antonio almost launched himself at Lovino, stopping himself just enough to only move to grab Lovino's hands in disbelief. He was so sure he looked red in the face, but he didn't care. He hadn't heard the other incorrectly, had he? Lovino had actually agreed to date him? It wasn't a dream?

"So," he had to swallow before continuing, "you like me too?" He only got a nod and managed to hear the start of whatever Lovino was going to say before he pulled him close to kiss him.

_I thought I knew love,_

Something had changed. Something didn't feel right anymore and that was scaring him. The first time he felt it was days before when all Lovino had done was wrap them in a blanket and laugh quietly into his chest. That should have sent warmth through him, it should have made that surge of love make him want to kiss Lovino… Instead, none of that happened and he simply squeezed the warm body between his arms. Antonio had thought nothing of it, shrugging it off.

Now, he wasn't so sure.

Lovino's hugs felt  _too warm_ , they felt searing hot to the point that it was uncomfortable for him to stay too long between his arms. His kisses felt off. Every time Antonio would lean in for a kiss, all he could think about was about how it was weird. How it was weird for their lips to touch, to put his arms around Lovino, to feel Lovino's hands on his neck, in his hair.

This couldn't be normal.

Antonio couldn't figure it out. He wanted to be with Lovino, but suddenly it felt as though their relationship was wrong. It lacked something. Slowly, all of Lovino's cute quirks were turning into annoying habits that he couldn't handle.

He had tried to fall in love again. He tried to make himself feel happiness when Lovino was being extra cuddly.

It wasn't working.

He had to give up.

He couldn't keep moving forward and faking his feelings. It wasn't right to either of them. But that meant he did know what was happening, didn't it? He was just being ignorant towards the fact that he no longer loved Lovino like he had. He couldn't continue to choose to be with Lovino. His heart had already checked out.

But Lovino had never actually seemed to be in love with him, had he? Maybe it'd be for the best if they returned to being friends instead of a couple.

Maybe, just maybe, Lovino was feeling the same way. Maybe he was done choosing Antonio too.

* * *

He felt horrible.

Not only had his team lost their game last weekend and gotten a harsh training session, he had decided he would break up with Lovino.

Antonio just couldn't handle it anymore. The longer he put it off, the worse he felt about stringing Lovino along. Lovino didn't deserve someone who didn't love him, he deserved someone who would choose him over and over again above everyone else. And he couldn't bring himself do so anymore.

So as soon as practice was over, he dragged himself into through the locker room, changing and grabbing his things before forcing himself to walk down the halls to the entrance. He had asked Lovino to wait for him, wanting to prolong the break up as long as possible.

Lovino would hate him. Would he even be able to handle not having Lovino as his friend anymore? They'd been by each others' side since they were kids. It'd be hard for him to suddenly lose his best friend. But it'd be his own fault anyways, wouldn't it?

As soon as he made it through the doors of the school, he saw Lovino leaning peacefully against a wall. When was the last time that his breath had been taken away by the sight of Lovino? He knew Lovino was gorgeous, but it didn't affect him as it had before. He grimaced before speaking out. "Lovi... thanks for waiting."

This was it. He was breaking up with the first person he had ever loved.

_but it wasn't what I'd thought._

Antonio sighed out, closing his locker after finally emptying the last of stuff into his backpack and duffle bag for soccer. He looked a few spaces down, expecting to see Lovino, until he remembered that the Italian hadn't been in school all day and had cleaned out his locker the day before.

He had really hoped they wouldn't turn out to be this messy of relationship. Maybe he had overlooked how it had affect Lovino compared to himself. Maybe he had thought Lovino would respond the same way Antonio had to finding out that it wouldn't work out any more.

"Antonio!"

His head snapped up at the sound, turning from one side to another to find the person who had screamed his name. And screamed it angrily at that…

It almost sounded like…

"You asshole!"  _Feliciano_ , his mind supplied just as the Italian skid into view from a corner. The young Italian walked towards him with fury in his stride. This was not a side he was expecting to see. Ever.

Feliciano had stopped right in front of him, eyes burning into him. "Ah, Feli—" he started off sheepishly.

"You broke my brother!" At that, Antonio gasped, mouth open in shock at how loud Feliciano had said that. Feliciano looked close to crying, tears pooling in the edges of his eyes.

"Feli…"

"No! I know you Antonio, I've known you just as long as my brother has! I've grown up alongside both of you! You were an older brother to me, you and Lovi were always a package of two!" Feliciano had been moving a step closer to him, making Antonio put his hands up in a calming fashion when he was almost in his face, "did you never think this would affect him so much? I've never seen my own brother run into the ground this way! You  _broke_  him!"

He looked around, not knowing what to do with what Feliciano was saying to him. The few stragglers that were still in the hallway, looked at the two of them like some freak show had just happened to have set up in the hallway. Ducking his head down, Antonio sighed out dejectedly and tried to figure out a way to reason with the younger Italian. "There isn't anything that I can do about it. I wasn't  _expecting_ this to happen the way it did, Feli… How could I have been completely sure that I was actually going to stay in love with him for this long? We're barely eighteen, there's the rest of our lives ahead us. Are you sure you could have loved someone for that long and not have felt like it was too long?"

When he finally looked back up at Feliciano, he felt his heart stop. The look on Feliciano's face was a heartbroken one, one that seemed like whatever wound was on his heart would never fade into a mere memory. "How…" Feliciano's voice was so quiet, Antonio had to strain to listen, "how can you be so sure of that? You haven't gone through what Lovi did. You haven't experienced the same feelings  _we_  have. When have you lost someone you loved because they chose to leave you behind?"

"Wait," Antonio made to grab Feliciano's wrist, but the he was already out of reach, "Feliciano…"

Feliciano just gave him a sad look, shaking his head slowly. Antonio felt like the simple motion made him freeze up. When had the Vargas brothers become so much more adult like in the way they handled themselves? "You broke my brother."

"That wasn't my…"

"I had wished he would never feel that kind of hurt."

"…intention." Wait… why had Feliciano said that? "What… what do you mean?"

Antonio couldn't ever remember a time that Feliciano had dated someone, much less had a break up of some sort. Had he missed something when he had been dating Lovino? It wasn't possible, he would have heard from Lovino then.

"You wouldn't understand. You've never been left behind."

"Feli, you already said that. But you haven't…"  
The response he got was sharp, almost like he hadn't wanted to talk about it. "Yes, I have." The Italian gulped, looking down briefly while he spoke, "he never came back like he promised… And now my brother knows  _exactly_ how I feel."

He still didn't fully understand what Feliciano was saying. He didn't think he ever would. "I'm sorry." It was the only thing he could say to Feliciano; it was the only thing he could even say to Lovino. Not that Lovino would even listen to him. Feliciano merely shook his head again, looking defeated.

"You know that isn't enough for either of us." With that last sentence, Feliciano turned around to leave. "Oh, one last thing," he said continuing to walk down the hall, "Lovino says he hopes you're happy now."

He didn't know if what he felt was relief… or hurt.

_It's my fault_

"I didn't think I'd be this happy at this age."

"Huh?" Lovino looked at him with a confused expression, hovering over him with an unsaid question on his lips.

The sight made Antonio smile. Lovino looked too cute to be legal sometimes. It was reasons like these that made Antonio feel lucky to have Lovino.

Currently, they were in Lovino's room studying. Antonio had stayed to study at the other's desk while Lovino brought snacks from the kitchen. He hadn't been able to stop himself from smiling when Lovino handed him a mug of hot chocolate and a plate of brownies.

"Don't worry about it," he said, smiling up. Antonio grabbing the mg and taking a sip before turning in his seat to look at Lovino fully.

He was given a confused look and had a pen tossed at him. "You're a giant sap."

"But, you're the one dating this giant sap" Antonio smirked, knowing he had won this small victory. Lovino just made a small sound, almost as if he was reluctantly agreeing. Either way, Antonio could see the smile hidden behind the mug in Lovino hand. Even though Lovino called him a sap, he knew the Italian could be just as sappy.

With or without Lovino acting that way, he knew he was beyond happy dating Lovino. It had to be like a dream come true to date his childhood crush. Although Lovino always called his clumsy, Antonio knew it was one of Lovino's favorite memories. They had been dating since the end of freshman year high school. And now it was close to their last year of high school. Senior year was only a few months off…

Where had the time gone? Had he really already made that many memories with Lovino?

"Hey, aren't you going to finish you're drink? We agreed on the break before going back to study."

Antonio blinked, smiling at Lovino. "Oh right. I guess we did." He watched Lovino move to sit on his bed, taking the plate of brownies with him. Antonio rolled his eyes, standing up and moving over. "That means you can't say no to a little cuddling though."

"I take back my decision to date you," he said in an emotionless voice.

"Lovi, you're so mean!"

When he got a kiss in return, he knew he really was lucky to get someone who wasn't afraid to joke around with him.

_it ended up this way._

Happiness.

It was weird to think that he had finally achieved something like that. Even though he felt loved and wanted, it was weird to look to his right and see Emma next to him wearing a full white gown and looking almost angelic. He was certain she had a halo around her when she had walked down the aisle towards him.

It felt right. Going through the ceremony, saying his vows, hearing hers, sealing it with a kiss; it all felt right. He didn't miss the way Emma glanced behind him with a shaky smile before they turned towards the audience in celebration. He didn't miss the way Lovino looked down when he turned to look at him. A small twinge of guilt struck him. He was being shellfish having Lovino there, watching him marry Emma.

Surely love was never fair.

Still, he had just married the love of his life and the next step was moving in together. After this, they'd be taking their pictures, dancing at the reception, feeding each other cake. They'd be spending the rest of their life together. Hopefully.

Yet… somehow, he knew something was still off. His happiness wasn't constant. It had never been. Somehow, and it was just a hunch, this wouldn't last. He could be happy with the family he planned to raise with Emma, he could be dancing around in glee, and still he felt like there was something to hold him back. Even if it was just a bit.

He had felt that same happiness with Lovino, all those years ago in high school. He had felt that same surge of love and the need to protect. And it had faded after a while. Even though he knew he had, at one point in life, loved Lovino with the intensity that he currently felt towards Emma.

He could say almost completely certain now that his heart was finicky.

He knew one thing was certain. They were human, things always changed. Nothing stays the same.


End file.
